Relationships are the most difficult area to improve upon. I have had major relationship problems over the years. At work, with friends , with colleagues, with people with whom I have a commercial relationship, etc. Sometimes I have learnt lessons. Sometimes I have not.
In my family, I have had some terrible relationships. Many people have treated me very shabbily - been mean to me, not supported me, not stood up for me when I needed them the most , etc. I could never understand why as I felt I was the victim in the situation. For years, I railed about it. Sometimes, when I described what had been done to me by someone, I would have tears in my eyes as the pain of the situation would wash over me. This would go on for years.
Another very interesting thing also happened to me. I was taught by my parents to be very helpful to others. In fact, I learned this from their behaviours as they did not explicitly teach this aspect to me. They themselves would go out of their way to help others and in the process they would neglect their own lives. More importantly, they would ( especially my father) always lament that the very same people would either be ungrateful for all the help or would be pretty mean to them. They would be very puzzled and hurt about this.
I deplored this habit of theirs but strangely, I noticed that I too had become a victim of this same syndrome . Go out of your way to help others and then deplore the meanness or selfishness showed towards me by them. I too have spent countless days complaining and moaning about this. Then I started to take stock of my life.
I tried to understand why people behave this way . Its not only towards me but towards many others also. Its because they feel they can get away with this behaviour. People do this to someone who they think they can do it to. If the person is perceived to be strong , then they don't do it . Or if the person is strong, then it doesn't affect that person as much. So, the behaviour stops.
Another aspect of my poor relationships was that many people in my life who were in positions which could harm me, hurt me very badly. They were certainly not acts which were incidental but deliberate acts to cause harm to me. They were from close family members, in-laws and senior colleagues at work. I raved and ranted and did not understand why they did this to me. As I could do nothing about it, I just suffered in silence but felt awful inside and also very powerless and angry.
Of course I blamed them all for being so mean to me. I felt a huge victim. I cried about it as well, talked to other people about it but it would not stop. It just continued relentlessly. Then I had to do something about it as it was tearing me apart. I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY for everything that was happening to me. I noticed that it was happening to me only. These people were not universally mean or bad or hurtful in their behaviour. They were mean to some but not to all.
So, I determined to understand what was it that was making me draw this behaviour from them. I realised that in many of the cases, I was making them feel insecure in some way. So, they hit back at me by behaving badly or by taking advantage of me. So, I decided that I could not change others but at least I could change the way I responded to these situations. I decided to stop blaming them for what they were doing. This immediately calmed me down and brought down my anger. I was able to look at the situations more compassionately and calmly.
I was able to understand that some members in my family were jealous of my work and opportunities as a woman and hence felt angry. In those situations , I was able to move on from that angry position and forgive them and was actually able to build a good relationship with them in the future. With my in-laws, it was the same story. I had more opportunities than they had. I learnt to be more sensitive to them and then they became more accepting of me.
At work, I prayed for my bosses and colleagues and doing so, I found gave me the ability to accept their behaviour. Also, strangely I found that when I was able to truly come to terms with their behaviour, they moved on from my environment.
So, the most important lesson I have learnt is that you cannot change others, however hard you try. It only causes heartburn and nothing else. But what you can do is change the way you respond to such situations. If you respond from a calm place, you are in a position to assess the problem and why it is happening. Then you are quickly able to change your response and hence, change the situation itself.
By not blaming or complaining, you are keeping the power with yourself. This helps to defuse the situation and allows you the opportunity to think for yourself and respond appropriately. Anger or actions stemming from anger only help to get the situation from bad to worse. Compassion , on the other hand, allows you to come out of the situation in a win-win manner. You do not need to become weak or a doormat to do this , but simply respond from a position of strength. And it is strength to not respond in a manner similar to the act of the other person or take revenge when you are in a position to do so. Often we feel like doing so, especially when we know we can. But should we do it? NO. Because then we have a lot to lose- all that we have achieved -- our name, our goodwill and our peace of mind.
These situations come to our life at all stages. It is really to test our ability to handle relationships of varying complexity , according to our abilities at the time. It is good for us to recognise this, instead of getting upset and plotting and planning what to do to teach the other person a lesson. When we are even more fragile inside , then we rave and rant as we feel we cant do anything. Instead, it is better if we realise and learn the life lessons as fast as we can and then sit back and enjoy harmonious relationships all-round.
In my family, I have had some terrible relationships. Many people have treated me very shabbily - been mean to me, not supported me, not stood up for me when I needed them the most , etc. I could never understand why as I felt I was the victim in the situation. For years, I railed about it. Sometimes, when I described what had been done to me by someone, I would have tears in my eyes as the pain of the situation would wash over me. This would go on for years.
Another very interesting thing also happened to me. I was taught by my parents to be very helpful to others. In fact, I learned this from their behaviours as they did not explicitly teach this aspect to me. They themselves would go out of their way to help others and in the process they would neglect their own lives. More importantly, they would ( especially my father) always lament that the very same people would either be ungrateful for all the help or would be pretty mean to them. They would be very puzzled and hurt about this.
I deplored this habit of theirs but strangely, I noticed that I too had become a victim of this same syndrome . Go out of your way to help others and then deplore the meanness or selfishness showed towards me by them. I too have spent countless days complaining and moaning about this. Then I started to take stock of my life.
I tried to understand why people behave this way . Its not only towards me but towards many others also. Its because they feel they can get away with this behaviour. People do this to someone who they think they can do it to. If the person is perceived to be strong , then they don't do it . Or if the person is strong, then it doesn't affect that person as much. So, the behaviour stops.
Another aspect of my poor relationships was that many people in my life who were in positions which could harm me, hurt me very badly. They were certainly not acts which were incidental but deliberate acts to cause harm to me. They were from close family members, in-laws and senior colleagues at work. I raved and ranted and did not understand why they did this to me. As I could do nothing about it, I just suffered in silence but felt awful inside and also very powerless and angry.
Of course I blamed them all for being so mean to me. I felt a huge victim. I cried about it as well, talked to other people about it but it would not stop. It just continued relentlessly. Then I had to do something about it as it was tearing me apart. I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY for everything that was happening to me. I noticed that it was happening to me only. These people were not universally mean or bad or hurtful in their behaviour. They were mean to some but not to all.
So, I determined to understand what was it that was making me draw this behaviour from them. I realised that in many of the cases, I was making them feel insecure in some way. So, they hit back at me by behaving badly or by taking advantage of me. So, I decided that I could not change others but at least I could change the way I responded to these situations. I decided to stop blaming them for what they were doing. This immediately calmed me down and brought down my anger. I was able to look at the situations more compassionately and calmly.
I was able to understand that some members in my family were jealous of my work and opportunities as a woman and hence felt angry. In those situations , I was able to move on from that angry position and forgive them and was actually able to build a good relationship with them in the future. With my in-laws, it was the same story. I had more opportunities than they had. I learnt to be more sensitive to them and then they became more accepting of me.
At work, I prayed for my bosses and colleagues and doing so, I found gave me the ability to accept their behaviour. Also, strangely I found that when I was able to truly come to terms with their behaviour, they moved on from my environment.
So, the most important lesson I have learnt is that you cannot change others, however hard you try. It only causes heartburn and nothing else. But what you can do is change the way you respond to such situations. If you respond from a calm place, you are in a position to assess the problem and why it is happening. Then you are quickly able to change your response and hence, change the situation itself.
By not blaming or complaining, you are keeping the power with yourself. This helps to defuse the situation and allows you the opportunity to think for yourself and respond appropriately. Anger or actions stemming from anger only help to get the situation from bad to worse. Compassion , on the other hand, allows you to come out of the situation in a win-win manner. You do not need to become weak or a doormat to do this , but simply respond from a position of strength. And it is strength to not respond in a manner similar to the act of the other person or take revenge when you are in a position to do so. Often we feel like doing so, especially when we know we can. But should we do it? NO. Because then we have a lot to lose- all that we have achieved -- our name, our goodwill and our peace of mind.
These situations come to our life at all stages. It is really to test our ability to handle relationships of varying complexity , according to our abilities at the time. It is good for us to recognise this, instead of getting upset and plotting and planning what to do to teach the other person a lesson. When we are even more fragile inside , then we rave and rant as we feel we cant do anything. Instead, it is better if we realise and learn the life lessons as fast as we can and then sit back and enjoy harmonious relationships all-round.
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