The workplace

Work is an area which takes up a large part of our adult life. In the modern age , there is a tremendous emphasis on working for a living. However, work entails skills of a totally different nature than what we need to negotiate through family or social life. We need technical skills or knowledge to actually do the work assigned to us and we also need people skills as a large part of our work entails working with others.

When we begin our working life, we have to largely follow instructions and do what others tell us to do. As we move up the ladder , we either work in groups or start getting things done. Trouble starts when we are not adept at doing these things- following orders or getting things done or getting others to work in a productive manner with us.

My troubles began when I started working about 30 years back. I was naïve and at that time, there were hardly any people I knew who worked in the corporate world. My family were either lawyers or in business or were landowners who earned money from their properties. Working for a living, especially for a woman was really looked down upon. It was  really done in the direst of circumstances. My mother came from a family where no one had ever worked for a living !!

However, education had become very important by then and men were certainly expected to work. For women, teaching or secretarial work was considered very respectable. Nevertheless, given my education , I chose to enter corporate life, never realising what lay ahead !!

I was very young when I entered corporate life and I soon realised that it was very different from college life. I worked hard and enjoyed my work. But over the years , I had good experiences and bad experiences at the workplace. Those companies where I did well, I attributed it to my bosses and my work environment being good. Those companies where I did not enjoy my experiences, I blamed on my bosses and environment. It never occurred to me to think any other way!!

Today, I feel and know differently. I know that people treat you the way they perceive you. If you are fearful, people are going to take advantage of you. And that is exactly what happened to me. I had no exposure to corporate life and people sensed this and took advantage of this fact. I went along with many unfair things , not daring to protest or raise my voice. When I look back, I can see that I had no confidence in my own abilities and so, the environment reflected that lack of confidence, by giving me fewer opportunities or putting roadblocks in my way.

So, the workplace or any other situation is only a reflection of our attitudes , behaviour and actions. If we believe that we are good , the world believes the same of us and treats us accordingly. If we believe that we are capable , then again the world reflects that. But if we have no faith in our own abilities, understanding or capabilities, then we should not blame other people for treating us badly. They are only reflecting our own behaviour and attitudes.

Once this became very clear, I was released from the agony of blaming others. In fact, today, any untoward incident is a source of rejoicing as it indicates what needs to be handled or changed in the situation or in my own behaviour or actions. The outside world has become a barometer of my own actions, thoughts and behaviour. If I know what needs to be changed, I know how to overcome my own pain or suffering quickly.

This realisation taught me some very important lessons regarding the workplace. Its that knowledge or expertise in ones area of work is not enough for success. Its also important to handle the relationships with others, be they colleagues or seniors very carefully. The main part of being successful at work is to  get along well with others.  If we don't do that, then we cannot become successful.

First of all, I realised that my relationships with my bosses depended on how I actually felt about them. If I respected them, they respected  me in return. But I had an inner tendency to be judgemental and that reflected in my relationships with them.  They would do the same and that did not result in a happy working rapport with my bosses.

Secondly, in the beginning, I did not always go out of my way to support my bosses . I did my own work extremely diligently but any work that I felt was being fobbed off on to me by my bosses was not looked upon nicely.In such situations, obviously I did not do well. But over the years , I realised that it is very important to be a team player and I understood this best when I was given my own team to work with.

 Lastly, its very important to love ones work and create value. I have always enjoyed my work. But that does not mean that I always got jobs which I liked or enjoyed. I made it a point to understand the business I was in . In the process, though I started with Market Research, I was able to move onto Account Planning, a new and emerging field , then onto Business Strategy and finally onto Training and Mentoring. I hear many people talk about how they hate their jobs. I have never  understood that . Maybe there could be some parts of our job that are repetitive and somewhat uninteresting. But there is always scope to make our job interesting and challenging.

I have always learnt a lot from every assignment. I may at times have been worried or fearful about tackling things . But I have never felt unhappy about what I am doing, except in situations where I have  been deadlocked in some way. As soon as I was able to come out of the situation, I was able  to get back my enthusiasm for the job. And I think the answer lies in this.If we can love what we do , we will be able to deal with all the other aspects of the work itself - the people, the money, the perks, the long hours, the poor facilities, the lack of empathy, etc.

The problem begins when we start to evaluate  our efforts vis-à-vis our pay. Instead, if we try to see how much value we can create and go ahead and do that, we will be far more happier at work. Then we can also bargain for better pay and perks at the job by showing these results or move on to a far better opportunity with a clear conscience knowing that we have contributed  to the organisation  in a big way. It always works at making us happier as the control remains in our hands . But when we complain , we give up the control to others.

So, the real crux of the learning is how much value are we creating. If we continue to create value , the organisation is bound to value us sooner or later. and, if they don't , there will be others who will do so. So, this is always going to be a win-win approach, which ever way we look at it.

Relationships

Relationships are the most difficult area to improve upon. I have had major relationship problems over the years. At work, with friends , with colleagues, with people with whom  I have a commercial relationship, etc. Sometimes I have learnt lessons. Sometimes I have not.


In my family, I have had some terrible relationships. Many people have treated me very shabbily - been mean to me, not supported me, not stood up for me when I needed them the most , etc. I could never understand why as I felt I was the victim in the situation. For years, I railed about it. Sometimes, when I described what had been done to me by someone, I would have tears in my eyes as the pain of the situation would wash over me. This would go on for years.

Another very interesting thing also happened to me. I was taught by my parents to be very helpful to others. In fact, I learned this from their behaviours as they did not explicitly teach this aspect to me. They themselves would go out of their way to help others and in the process they would neglect their own lives.  More importantly, they would ( especially my father) always lament that the very same people would either be ungrateful for all the help or would be pretty mean to them. They would be very puzzled and hurt about this.

I deplored this habit of theirs but strangely, I noticed that I too had become a victim of this same syndrome . Go out of your way to help others and then deplore the meanness or selfishness showed towards me by them. I too have  spent countless days complaining and moaning about this. Then I started to take stock of my life.

I tried to understand why people behave this way . Its not only towards me but towards many others also. Its because they feel they can get away with this behaviour.  People do this to someone who they think they can do it to. If the person is perceived to be strong , then they don't do it . Or if the person is strong, then it doesn't affect that person  as much. So, the behaviour stops.

Another aspect of my poor relationships was that many people in my life who were in positions which could harm me, hurt me very badly. They were certainly not acts which were incidental but deliberate acts to cause harm to me. They were from close family members, in-laws and senior colleagues at work. I raved and ranted and did not understand why they did this to me. As I could do nothing about it, I just suffered in silence but felt awful inside and also very powerless and angry.

Of course I blamed them all for being so mean to me. I felt a huge victim. I cried about it as well, talked to other people about it but it would not stop. It just continued relentlessly. Then I had to do something about it as it was tearing me apart. I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY for everything that was happening to me. I noticed that it was happening to me only. These people were not universally mean or bad or hurtful in their behaviour. They were mean to some but not to all.

So, I determined to understand what was it that was making me draw this behaviour from them. I realised that in many of the cases, I was making them feel insecure in some way. So, they hit back at me by behaving badly or by taking advantage of me.  So, I decided that I could not change others but at least  I could change the way I responded to these situations. I decided to stop blaming them for what they were doing. This immediately calmed me down and brought down my anger.  I was able to look at the situations more compassionately and calmly.

I was able to understand that some members in my family were jealous of my work and opportunities  as a woman and hence felt angry. In those situations , I was able to move on from that angry position and forgive them and was actually able to build a good relationship with them in the future. With my in-laws, it was the same story. I had more opportunities than they had. I learnt to be more sensitive to them and then they became more accepting of me.

At work, I prayed for my bosses and colleagues and doing so,  I found gave me the ability to accept their behaviour. Also, strangely I found that when I was able to truly come to terms with their behaviour, they moved on from my environment.

So, the most important lesson I have learnt is that you cannot change others, however hard you try. It only causes heartburn and nothing else. But what you can do is change the way you respond to such situations. If you respond from a calm place, you are in a position to assess the problem and why it is happening. Then you are quickly able to change your response and hence, change the situation itself.
 
By not blaming or complaining, you are keeping the power with yourself.  This helps to defuse the situation and allows you the opportunity to think for yourself and respond appropriately. Anger or actions stemming from anger only help to get the situation from bad to worse. Compassion , on the other hand, allows you to come out of the situation in a win-win manner. You do not need to become weak or a doormat to do this , but simply respond from a position of strength. And it is strength to not respond in a manner similar to the act of the other person or take revenge when you are in a position to do so. Often we feel like doing so, especially when we know we can. But should we do it? NO. Because then we have a lot to lose- all that we have achieved -- our name, our goodwill and our peace of mind.

These situations come to our life at all stages. It is really to test our ability to handle relationships of varying complexity , according to our abilities at the time. It is good for us to recognise this,  instead of getting upset and plotting and planning what to do to teach the other person a lesson. When we are even more fragile inside , then we rave and rant as we feel we cant do anything. Instead, it is better if we realise and learn the life lessons as fast as we can and then sit back and enjoy harmonious relationships all-round.







 

Finances

Every body worries about money, whatever their circumstances. Money is the  currency of the world as without money we find it hard to navigate through life. There are all kinds of people-some who have lots of money, some who have small sums of money and some who have little or nothing.


Without money , a large part of life becomes very difficult as most experiences and opportunities cost money - education, a house, marriage, children, a vacation, a car, furniture, etc. Even friends and family can be kept happy and close when we have money to spend on them. But, like everything else money is available to those who know how to get money and look after money.


It all begins with belief. The more you believe that money is in your life and you can get it, the more money will flow into your life. The more you believe that money is tight, 'doesn't grow on trees' , 'not easy to come by' , it wont be easy to get money.


Next, once you have money, how you spend money will determine, how much money you will have to spend it over time. If you are a spendthrift, you will spend money like theres no tomorrow when you have money and then groan and moan when the money is all finished. If you are careful, you will save some of your money and spend some of it. If you are too stingy, then you will never enjoy the benefits of having money and will save all of it , no matter how much you have.


Now, financial discipline is learned from our parents or our immediate environment- our extended family, friends and colleagues. I too learnt about money from my family. I always saw and heard my dad talk about financial problems - a snot having enough money.  Its not that we did not have much money but w e were always made to be very careful with money- spending things carefully and calculating the cost of everything. Yet we mixed with very affluent people, went for  long vacations, went to good schools, ate good food and lived well.


But whenever there were set backs, there would be a pall of gloom in the house and we had to cut back on many things- going out, newspapers, long phone conversations, good clothes, etc. Essentially on the frills. and there would be fights at home, which would turn the environment ugly. So, I came to associate money or lack of it with fear and unhappiness. Somewhere, I also developed a fear of dealing with money also.

So, though I had a bank account as a kid, my dad dealt with it and later when I started earning, my brother started looking after my finances. Its not as if I was a total idiot ; I would buy some shares and stuff but I would still let my brother handle it and after my marriage , my husband took care of  most of the stuff for me.

When I started living alone, I took care of the stuff but only to the extent of doing whatever was necessary for  paying my taxes. Whatever papers came for me, I would put aside without looking at them . So, papers had just piled up over the years. I did not know when my fixed deposits or other investments would mature. I did not invest my money properly so lost out on many opportunities over the years. My brother panicked during a bad market phase and sold off some of my blue chip shares and that was a terrible mistake. I had an ongoing problem with my husband and he did not sign some papers and so I lost a huge some of money.

Not only that. When you send a message to the world that you are not in control of your money, the world takes control. So that's what happened. I got bad and sometimes downright fraudulent advise from my bankers, insurance brokers and tax advisers.  People I asked to help me out of this mess wanted their own pound of flesh. It was a sordid mess. I got  more frightened as I felt I had no way out.  I thought I would end up penny pinching and griping about every penny I spent.

But, NO! A big No. I decided somewhere along the way, to take things into my own hands. I started with what I could do. I tried to reduce the number of bank accounts that I had. I tried to put together a picture of my finances. I tried to leaf through my financial papers. I started making piles of different  things- bank, insurance, FDs, shares ,etc. 

 But no ! A big NO! One thing that I learnt from my parents especially my father was to save and spend cautiously. This stood me in good stead. I  therefore didn't have to worry about where money would come from as I knew that I had enough . But I also noticed a trend. Like my dad , I did get antsy and worried what would happen in the future. would I have enough money to live comfortably , the rest of my days or would inflation eat it all up ? 

Things were also getting more expensive. Costs were going up all round. I knew I had to do something. I decided somewhere along the way, that I was no longer going to wait . I would take the matter into my own hands.  I started with what I could do. I decided to make sense of what I had. I made separate piles of  all my fiscal papers. I started tackling things one by one and as I did that , I found my fears slowly melting away. I was able to make sense of most of the stuff.

 I slowly started being able to take care of my finances and ask good and sometimes smart questions of my bankers, insurance brokers , tax advisers , etc. They too would respond more positively and I started to get more money in terms of better deals, better interest rates , better refunds , etc. I was able to follow up on many things and that brought in more money. By selling off or closing useless accounts or deals , I was able to reduce my paperwork and portfolio. So, I am now in better shape financially and getting even better everyday.

Another thing I have consciously done is to think in terms of more money and dream bigger than what I would be able to think a few years earlier. I think having a goal in mid helps a sit sets you on a path. You can always revise your goal along the way , if you feel this is easily achievable.

So, from something which started out as a huge problem in my life and that which gave me sleepless nights, it has actually become a real blessing in my life as it is helping me come to terms with what I have and help me to have more so that I am better off and comfortable. Another benefit is that I discovered that the money I have could give me decent returns, if I managed it well and spare me the  sleepless nights!!

More Problem - solution

While I had all this unfinished stuff, I also have a lot of issues with my life  too which are tough to tackle - my finances are in a bad shape and I worry all the time about expenses, I need to lose weight and become a lot fitter and more shapely, I need more friends and relaxation as my life is one dimentional. I need to bring out my full potential as I have a lot of talent and skills and experience and that can be useful to many.




How am going to be able to do that? I complained bitterly to whoever would listen that it was not  fair- I did not ask to be laid off, I did not ask to be alone, I was always sincere and looked after my responsibilities. then why am I in this mess ? Then I realised  that this is so because I have not learnt the important life lessons in these areas. These areas are important and the lessons are important and need to be learned .


Remember , what Gautum Buddha started out with . He wanted to learn the mysteries of life and why people suffered from old age , disease and death. He realised that these are the four eternal truths- Birth, Disease, Old Age and Death. No one can escape them. What is important is how we live our lives as death and everything leading upto death such as old age and disease is inevitable. How we behave, think and take actions is important, as this will  dictate how we live.


So, I started by taking responsibility of all these issues in my life as well. Immediately, I felt better as I realised that no one else is going to change these circumstances for me, but I will have to. Also, from some of the lessons I have been learning, I felt happier that I now  knew that things don't take long to improve if they start to get tackled. But, what is important is how we are going to do that. That will dictate whether we are happy or not, whether we are fulfilled or not.

The problem is the solution

 For a long time, I was burdened with a hundred and one things to do. I was despairing about finishing them ever. I thought I had so much to do. I really pitied myself and felt that life was not fair. Why did I have to do so much when other people seemed to enjoy themselves and have a lot of fun. I felt bad that I had no one to help me.




I also blamed my circumstances and my folks who had not taught me the tools for doing so. I blamed the fact that I was a single parent and the circumstances which made me so. I blamed my bosses for not having been fair to me and giving me so much work that I never found the time earlier to do so. I blamed my family for not taking good care of me.




The other thing that I found difficult to do was to prioritise what was important and what had to be done first. Since everything had piled up, everything now seemed to be urgent. I had to tackle everything at once . I was feeling so overwhelmed that I cried copious tears in private, all the while pitying myself.  Nothing really changed. But since I had started to do detailed lists , I kind of knew what had to be done.




There was lots of stuff that had to be thrown away, given away, used up,etc. There was tons of financial work that was pending. There was plenty of work that had to be done in the house- repairs, routine maintenance , upgrading, refurbishing, etc. How was I ever going to be able to do it all. And in fact, I believed that there was some stuff that was impossible to be done at all.




However, since I wanted to go out and get a job, I felt very strongly that I had to accomplish all this before I started to work or else they would never get done ever. This truly frightened me as I had a family history of things never getting accomplished and then blaming it on bad karma. I had heard such things all through childhood.




Suddenly, one day, I decided after reading loads of stuff on clearing clutter and about making lists and accomplishing things to try and get started . I was quite frightened and did not know where to begin. I loved clearing clutter and so I started to do that. I did clear some stuff but soon I felt tired. I could not accomplish much. But I remembered from the past that I used to do this. I would work in spurts and then did not like to come back to the same thing. I found it very difficult to do so. I gave up too easily. Also, I did this in spite of having help to do so.




But , somehow, this time I persisted. I started the next day on something else. Clearing some important paperwork. I was again able to accomplish some things and was able to get rid of a lot of stuff and clear out a lot. So, I felt happy as I did not have to do the same thing and yet get something accomplished. I continued doing this for some time. I would take up a new area and accomplish a small amount and yet get something done from the list. Nothing was fully accomplished , but I could actually begin to see that I was making headway.




The piles of clothes were less, the rooms were cleaner, things were either removed or neatly boxed and put away. While doing this, I learned another valuable lesson. I should not bother to do things perfectly. I should just aim to get them done. If I did that, I was able to accomplish more and at the end of the day, this is what made me happy. So , I gave things to whom it was convenient and not wait for the perfect person to be given to. I sold things at whatever price I was able to after checking out a couple of options. This way I was able to get rid of stuff much faster that before . Earlier stuff would sit in my house for years as I was planning to give it to the best person concerned .




By persisting and  continuing to do things regularly , I have been able to reduce a lot of the work and  feel much better about this fact.  By taking consistent action , I no longer feel overwhelmed or frightened about the future.  I now feel that I will be able to take care of it all, if I continue to handle everything.  The important thing I noticed is that I now have much more energy to get things accomplished , than I had before. Not just in one area but in general. This has resulted in me doing a lot more stuff than before- getting rid of clutter, tackling paperwork, going more frequently to the market.


Another interesting insight that I have got from tackling things is that things don't take all that much time as I assumed they would take. Where I assumed a task would take a few days, I notice it gets done in an a few hours. Where I had assumed the job would take a day or so to accomplish,  it takes barely an hour. So, I realised that fear makes us exaggerate the nature of the work and time taken and makes us believe that everything in life is complicated. when we start to take action, we start to change this belief , albeit slowly.




Finally , the biggest and most important lesson that I am learning as I still have a long way to go is this- the problems we are given are meant to improve our lives . What I mean by this needs  a little explaining. When we find some situation difficult, we call this a problem. We rave and rant, we complain, we  become judgemental. But it is there to actually make us more capable, more competent, more strong. If we tackle the problem in front of us , we are sure to emerge stronger and more capable and eventually happier as such issues will no longer trouble us. So, our problems are actually our opportunity to make our lives better  and hence, happier. So, the Problem Is The Solution.




Another interesting thing that I realised is that problems are unique to each one of us. The problems that I am faced with is not faced by another individual. That's because that individual has a unique set of strengths and weaknesses based on the circumstances of birth, environment and upbringing. So, the problems of one may not appear to be problems for another person at all. Often, this makes us lament about our circumstances which leads to suffering. But, the important thing to realise here is that by tackling the problem in front of me, I will be able to change an area of weakness into an area of strength. Then, there will be no suffering. Instead there will be joy.


So, to sum it up, it is important to tackle the issues that come up in our lives , knowing that these issues are the ones which are right for our life and by tackling them , we will actually be benefitted. Often , we are very frightened and that is where the complaining and the judgement and the disappointment comes from. we don't know why this has happened and what will be the outcome. So, out of fear and uncertainty comes rage, unhappiness and suffering. But have faith. Know for sure that this horrible situation is actually good for our life. We need to probably become braver , stronger , wiser and this is the way for that to happen. But that lesson of life will only be learnt if we deal with it, not brush it under the carpet as I was doing. That only makes the situation more complicated , messy and ugly. Not impossible , but certainly more difficult.