The workplace

Work is an area which takes up a large part of our adult life. In the modern age , there is a tremendous emphasis on working for a living. However, work entails skills of a totally different nature than what we need to negotiate through family or social life. We need technical skills or knowledge to actually do the work assigned to us and we also need people skills as a large part of our work entails working with others.

When we begin our working life, we have to largely follow instructions and do what others tell us to do. As we move up the ladder , we either work in groups or start getting things done. Trouble starts when we are not adept at doing these things- following orders or getting things done or getting others to work in a productive manner with us.

My troubles began when I started working about 30 years back. I was naïve and at that time, there were hardly any people I knew who worked in the corporate world. My family were either lawyers or in business or were landowners who earned money from their properties. Working for a living, especially for a woman was really looked down upon. It was  really done in the direst of circumstances. My mother came from a family where no one had ever worked for a living !!

However, education had become very important by then and men were certainly expected to work. For women, teaching or secretarial work was considered very respectable. Nevertheless, given my education , I chose to enter corporate life, never realising what lay ahead !!

I was very young when I entered corporate life and I soon realised that it was very different from college life. I worked hard and enjoyed my work. But over the years , I had good experiences and bad experiences at the workplace. Those companies where I did well, I attributed it to my bosses and my work environment being good. Those companies where I did not enjoy my experiences, I blamed on my bosses and environment. It never occurred to me to think any other way!!

Today, I feel and know differently. I know that people treat you the way they perceive you. If you are fearful, people are going to take advantage of you. And that is exactly what happened to me. I had no exposure to corporate life and people sensed this and took advantage of this fact. I went along with many unfair things , not daring to protest or raise my voice. When I look back, I can see that I had no confidence in my own abilities and so, the environment reflected that lack of confidence, by giving me fewer opportunities or putting roadblocks in my way.

So, the workplace or any other situation is only a reflection of our attitudes , behaviour and actions. If we believe that we are good , the world believes the same of us and treats us accordingly. If we believe that we are capable , then again the world reflects that. But if we have no faith in our own abilities, understanding or capabilities, then we should not blame other people for treating us badly. They are only reflecting our own behaviour and attitudes.

Once this became very clear, I was released from the agony of blaming others. In fact, today, any untoward incident is a source of rejoicing as it indicates what needs to be handled or changed in the situation or in my own behaviour or actions. The outside world has become a barometer of my own actions, thoughts and behaviour. If I know what needs to be changed, I know how to overcome my own pain or suffering quickly.

This realisation taught me some very important lessons regarding the workplace. Its that knowledge or expertise in ones area of work is not enough for success. Its also important to handle the relationships with others, be they colleagues or seniors very carefully. The main part of being successful at work is to  get along well with others.  If we don't do that, then we cannot become successful.

First of all, I realised that my relationships with my bosses depended on how I actually felt about them. If I respected them, they respected  me in return. But I had an inner tendency to be judgemental and that reflected in my relationships with them.  They would do the same and that did not result in a happy working rapport with my bosses.

Secondly, in the beginning, I did not always go out of my way to support my bosses . I did my own work extremely diligently but any work that I felt was being fobbed off on to me by my bosses was not looked upon nicely.In such situations, obviously I did not do well. But over the years , I realised that it is very important to be a team player and I understood this best when I was given my own team to work with.

 Lastly, its very important to love ones work and create value. I have always enjoyed my work. But that does not mean that I always got jobs which I liked or enjoyed. I made it a point to understand the business I was in . In the process, though I started with Market Research, I was able to move onto Account Planning, a new and emerging field , then onto Business Strategy and finally onto Training and Mentoring. I hear many people talk about how they hate their jobs. I have never  understood that . Maybe there could be some parts of our job that are repetitive and somewhat uninteresting. But there is always scope to make our job interesting and challenging.

I have always learnt a lot from every assignment. I may at times have been worried or fearful about tackling things . But I have never felt unhappy about what I am doing, except in situations where I have  been deadlocked in some way. As soon as I was able to come out of the situation, I was able  to get back my enthusiasm for the job. And I think the answer lies in this.If we can love what we do , we will be able to deal with all the other aspects of the work itself - the people, the money, the perks, the long hours, the poor facilities, the lack of empathy, etc.

The problem begins when we start to evaluate  our efforts vis-à-vis our pay. Instead, if we try to see how much value we can create and go ahead and do that, we will be far more happier at work. Then we can also bargain for better pay and perks at the job by showing these results or move on to a far better opportunity with a clear conscience knowing that we have contributed  to the organisation  in a big way. It always works at making us happier as the control remains in our hands . But when we complain , we give up the control to others.

So, the real crux of the learning is how much value are we creating. If we continue to create value , the organisation is bound to value us sooner or later. and, if they don't , there will be others who will do so. So, this is always going to be a win-win approach, which ever way we look at it.

Relationships

Relationships are the most difficult area to improve upon. I have had major relationship problems over the years. At work, with friends , with colleagues, with people with whom  I have a commercial relationship, etc. Sometimes I have learnt lessons. Sometimes I have not.


In my family, I have had some terrible relationships. Many people have treated me very shabbily - been mean to me, not supported me, not stood up for me when I needed them the most , etc. I could never understand why as I felt I was the victim in the situation. For years, I railed about it. Sometimes, when I described what had been done to me by someone, I would have tears in my eyes as the pain of the situation would wash over me. This would go on for years.

Another very interesting thing also happened to me. I was taught by my parents to be very helpful to others. In fact, I learned this from their behaviours as they did not explicitly teach this aspect to me. They themselves would go out of their way to help others and in the process they would neglect their own lives.  More importantly, they would ( especially my father) always lament that the very same people would either be ungrateful for all the help or would be pretty mean to them. They would be very puzzled and hurt about this.

I deplored this habit of theirs but strangely, I noticed that I too had become a victim of this same syndrome . Go out of your way to help others and then deplore the meanness or selfishness showed towards me by them. I too have  spent countless days complaining and moaning about this. Then I started to take stock of my life.

I tried to understand why people behave this way . Its not only towards me but towards many others also. Its because they feel they can get away with this behaviour.  People do this to someone who they think they can do it to. If the person is perceived to be strong , then they don't do it . Or if the person is strong, then it doesn't affect that person  as much. So, the behaviour stops.

Another aspect of my poor relationships was that many people in my life who were in positions which could harm me, hurt me very badly. They were certainly not acts which were incidental but deliberate acts to cause harm to me. They were from close family members, in-laws and senior colleagues at work. I raved and ranted and did not understand why they did this to me. As I could do nothing about it, I just suffered in silence but felt awful inside and also very powerless and angry.

Of course I blamed them all for being so mean to me. I felt a huge victim. I cried about it as well, talked to other people about it but it would not stop. It just continued relentlessly. Then I had to do something about it as it was tearing me apart. I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY for everything that was happening to me. I noticed that it was happening to me only. These people were not universally mean or bad or hurtful in their behaviour. They were mean to some but not to all.

So, I determined to understand what was it that was making me draw this behaviour from them. I realised that in many of the cases, I was making them feel insecure in some way. So, they hit back at me by behaving badly or by taking advantage of me.  So, I decided that I could not change others but at least  I could change the way I responded to these situations. I decided to stop blaming them for what they were doing. This immediately calmed me down and brought down my anger.  I was able to look at the situations more compassionately and calmly.

I was able to understand that some members in my family were jealous of my work and opportunities  as a woman and hence felt angry. In those situations , I was able to move on from that angry position and forgive them and was actually able to build a good relationship with them in the future. With my in-laws, it was the same story. I had more opportunities than they had. I learnt to be more sensitive to them and then they became more accepting of me.

At work, I prayed for my bosses and colleagues and doing so,  I found gave me the ability to accept their behaviour. Also, strangely I found that when I was able to truly come to terms with their behaviour, they moved on from my environment.

So, the most important lesson I have learnt is that you cannot change others, however hard you try. It only causes heartburn and nothing else. But what you can do is change the way you respond to such situations. If you respond from a calm place, you are in a position to assess the problem and why it is happening. Then you are quickly able to change your response and hence, change the situation itself.
 
By not blaming or complaining, you are keeping the power with yourself.  This helps to defuse the situation and allows you the opportunity to think for yourself and respond appropriately. Anger or actions stemming from anger only help to get the situation from bad to worse. Compassion , on the other hand, allows you to come out of the situation in a win-win manner. You do not need to become weak or a doormat to do this , but simply respond from a position of strength. And it is strength to not respond in a manner similar to the act of the other person or take revenge when you are in a position to do so. Often we feel like doing so, especially when we know we can. But should we do it? NO. Because then we have a lot to lose- all that we have achieved -- our name, our goodwill and our peace of mind.

These situations come to our life at all stages. It is really to test our ability to handle relationships of varying complexity , according to our abilities at the time. It is good for us to recognise this,  instead of getting upset and plotting and planning what to do to teach the other person a lesson. When we are even more fragile inside , then we rave and rant as we feel we cant do anything. Instead, it is better if we realise and learn the life lessons as fast as we can and then sit back and enjoy harmonious relationships all-round.